Ramble #3: Death by Ambition

Flop era. Balancing the inner tyrant and inner anarchist. Learning to slow down.

It’s 10pm on a Thursday. I’m on the second last episode of season five. Peaky Blinders.¹ My black sweatpants are sprinkled with popcorn dust. Himalayan salt. My glass is empty. My hands smell like cognac, lemon juice, and Penhaligon’s. I am at my worst when I have no direction for my ambition.

In Mandarin, the word “shen” means both “God” and “focus”. When you’re distracted, you say “zou shen”, which literally translates to “my spirit wandered off”. I think it’s the perfect way to describe what it feels like when you’ve lost sight of where you’re going. When your ambition lacks intention, it feels like nothing matters.

Before my father passed away, he used to say that it would be nice to be like a tree. And I’m starting to see why. Trees fulfil their purpose in the ecosystem without even having to try. How happy a tree must be, to follow nature with perfect obedience and end up perfectly fine without having to make a single decision. It achieves without ambition, it balances without effort, and it moves forward without thoughts. Instead, I have to battle with the 3-pound organ between my ears — and I’m afraid I’ve lost the plot.

The mind commands the body and it obeys. The mind orders itself and meets resistance. — Frank Herbert, Dune, quoting St. Augustine

The Human Condition, René Magritte (1933)