We're All Pavlovs and Dogs

How our relationships form our identity

We often compare breakups to grief because the end of a relationship is the death of an entire universe of inside jokes and daydreams about how the future might have played out. Whether they were a lover that didn't work out or a friend that drifted away with time, a breakup doesn’t mean that the person is gone (they're still alive), it means that they are gone from your shared universe and you lose the part of yourself that was once reserved for hopes of doing life together.

Relationships (especially romantic ones) change you; there's a part of you that becomes more like them and/or a part of you that is activated because of them. We say, “don’t try to change the other person!” but the reality is, we’re all complex and plastic entities that are constantly observing and reacting to our surroundings so we can adjust our own behaviors to be a little more likeable. We change others and we are changed by others, even if we don’t want to. This is human nature.

Relationships are mutually con…