What to Make of Remorse and Self-Blame

How to be kinder to yourself

You are the only person you can’t hide from. You will find yourself in the silence of your bedroom, the creep of your shadow, the backseat of your car, and the whispers of the trees in your neighborhood. You are your own worst critic and your most intimate observer.

Eve Overcome with Remorse by Anna Lea Merritt, 1885

Remorse and self-punishment are addictive, as many negative behaviors are—the more we indulge in feelings directed towards ourselves, the narrower our focus becomes. The more we pity or hate ourselves, the more we believe we deserve it. Sometimes, it can feel like the only way to compensate for our failures. Other times, blaming ourselves is easier than communicating to others what we're feeling inside.

This is what happens when we don't accept our imperfections.

The three selves

Psychology says that we can parse ourselves into three different perceptions of self: the actual self, the ideal self, and the ought self. 

The actual self is who you are in reality.

The ideal self is…